Memoirs of a Hopeless Romantic

• Being scared out of my skin (not quite literally) when some guy came through a previously non-existent door (at least in my mind) while I was diligently working at Rogers.

• Weeks later when the same guy introduced himself to me while I was at the copier, after pacing between his office (which was near the printer) and the server room. I learned that his name was Bob and that he was the computer administrator for the school

• Seeing him the following fall quarter after church, visiting with some mutual friends. Wishing him a “happy Sabbath” and receiving one in return.

• Finding a letter the next morning, asking if I would be interested in going on a date, and sharing that he was interested in getting to know me better.

• Walking to the cafe from Spanish class and finding that this guy is waiting for me. Again. So he can walk over with me and eat together at the cafe.

• Deciding on Dairy Queen for our first date, after ruling out several activities that I wasn’t able to do. Neither one of us wanted to tell the other that we were already anticipating the stomach ache that the ice cream inevitably would cause both of us.

• Visiting over icecream and fries until they turned the lights out on us. Surprised that time could go so fast. Discovering that we shared the same interests, values, and morals. This was too good to be true! Something was different about this guy.

• Driving back from the date and being asked if I was interested in a second date as he dropped me off at Foreman. Hesitating, and saying “maybe”. (Poor guy!)

• Going to the Barn Party together, after being coerced into letting him drive me (not really, but I was tricked ;) Meeting some of his friends for the first time.

• Going to the Jeremy Camp concert together, after I can’t find anybody else to go with (again, poor guy!). I didn’t want to be as forward as to ask him on a date. That would be encouraging him! Getting lost on the way back and stopping by my aunt and uncle’s since I know how to get back from there. Introducing him to my first family member, uncle Mark.

• A walk at Rooks park with him and my roommate, Amanda, after church. Remembering that everything seemed so vibrant and alive. And feeling so happy.

• Shortly after, perhaps the next week, celebrating Amanda’s grandmother’s birthday at The Modern. Not being quite sure how to introduce him to them. Getting teased by friends.

• Saying good-bye at Thanksgiving. Now this was an awkward time for a holiday. Our friendship was just on the verge of becoming something more and we had to spend the time apart. But there were many phone calls.

• Driving out to South Fork the Sunday after we got back into town. Me anticipating the question, him wondering if it was too soon to ask (we’d only really known each other for a month, after all).

• Talking a couple days later about where we thought it might be going. Ran to health class after giving him my Dad’s number, sitting through a lecture I have no recollection of.

• That same day, was asked to meet him in front of one of the guy’s dorms to walk to supper with him. Walking out and not seeing anyone, when he steps out with a bouquet of flowers and asks if I will be his girlfriend. Giddily saying yes and sharing the happy news with all my friends and family.

• Having our pictures taken by some friends. Awkwardly standing close in the freezing outside weather, documenting the start of our new relationship.

• An impromptu visit from my family after church the following Sabbath. My parents and sister approving, my little brother full of naive comments and questions. ;)

• Holding hands for the first time, a week after we started dating. Feeling nervous and giddy. Being so grateful for having a supportive and understanding boyfriend who wasn’t in a rush.

• A walk later that fall on a Sabbath afternoon. While walking down 12th Ave. and just before turning onto Bade, hearing the question, “What would you say if I told you I loved you.” Being speechless for a few seconds, almost scared, before replying, “I’d tell you that I love you too.” Realizing that I meant it with all my heart.

• Every day following, falling more in more in love with my new best friend. Wondering what the future held.

• Later that same day acting like kids iceskating with friends at the Chalet. Later that evening talking about deep issues, becoming even closer. A comment about marriage in the future, an agreement in response. Perhaps summer after next? *blush*

• Splitting time for the Christmas holiday between our families. Meeting his parents. And brothers. Feeling at home right away, feeling like I was family. Realizing that I felt as though I belonged.

• Going to WWC’s Valentine’s Banquet at the Whitman. Going for coffee afterwards, but finding that the shop was already closed. Sitting in the car listening to Selah’s “Bless the Broken Road” CD together instead.

• Moving out of the dorm the following March on my 19th birthday into Grandma's home. After all, I didn’t need to worry about LLU’s requirements. EWU’s prereqs for the OT program were fulfilled. And I felt a certain pull towards that area. ;)

• Saying good-bye after camp meeting when he had to leave for camp. Realizing that it felt like my heart was ripped in two.

• Spending time with my family at my grandparents’ place in MT. Wondering at my parent’s sudden questions about his long-term plans and goals in life.

• Being dropped off at camp, followed by a drive-by cake drop-off at the Olive Garden with camp’s bus. ;)

• Getting the surprise of my life when, after returning to camp, he pop’s the question after helping me get settled at our friend’s house. OUR FIRST KISS!!

• The next morning when he picked me up for breakfast. Feeling conspicuous with a beautiful ring on my finger. Joyfully sharing the news with anyone who would listen. Desperately trying to find enough cell service to call family and friends to share the good news.

• Watching the fireworks that night over Lake CDA . Feeling like all of America was celebrating with us.

• Returning to Grandma's and continuing to count down the days until you would be back from camp. Splurging on wedding magazines and beginning to plan our wedding.

• Surprise visits when he was able to get away from camp. Celebrating his birthday together.

• The day he got home from camp. Getting to see him every day. Now counting down the days until we would be married.

• Waking up at 4:30 a.m. to go to work. While in the shower, smelling savory scents wafting from the kitchen under the bathroom door and hearing the muted clanging of pots and pans. Coming out and finding that my fiancé had made a full breakfast for me.

• Walking out to the car from Grandma's at 5:30 to drive to work and jumping out of my skin because yet again he's yet again gotten up hours before he's needed to so he can surprise me and spend some time with me as he drives me to work.

• Trying on wedding dresses at different locations with family and friends. Finding the perfect one.

• Planning the wedding together, finalizing the program. Having our engagement pictures taken by Bill. Making the invitations with Grandma Lenz, dropping them off at Bridal Veil.

• Our rehearsal and dinner. Realizing it was my last day a single lady. A midnight run to Walmart with my sister to get contact lens solution. Having the hardest time going to sleep.

• Waking up way early. Getting ready for the big event. Arriving at the garden and making the final preparations. Hanging out with my mom, bridesmaids and flower girls, waiting for it to be time.

• Walking down the aisle with my Daddy and looking up to see my handsome groom waiting for me. Being surrounded by family and friends.

• Realizing it, only when he introduced us as “Mr. and Mrs. __________”, that it was REAL and we were finally married!

• Driving off in my uncle’s antique car through the streets of the small college town, beginning the next chapter of our life’s story.

Quiet solitude

Another quiet evening. There's been a lot of those this week. And it's sad to have to keep rescheduling date nights. Actually, having to schedule them in the first place is sad when you're living with the person! Unpredictable schedules are tough.

I suppose it's good for me. It helps me to be more flexible. But it's hard when making plans to have that thought in the back of your mind that it may not actually happen, at least not as planned.

I do enjoy having some quiet time to myself. But I get bored. And lonely. And if it lasts for too long, depressed. I have to keep myself busy, not let my mind think sometimes.

I'm spoiled, I know. Times like these make me realize how lucky I am to have a husband who is amazing as mine. And that he has a job that he enjoys. Sorry for the melancholy post. I just had to get it down.

Fostering

As a student at WWU, I always wanted to take a year out and volunteer at an orphanage. But, as plans changed, that never happened. At times I do regret that. It's an experience I will never have. But recently I have realized that I still can make a difference in the lives of children. Not just in my career as an OT, but in my own home. There are so many kids in this world who don't have loving, stable homes to grow up in, as many of us were blessed with as kids. Someday, once I'm settled in my job, we hope to become foster parents.

Today when I got home from school, I went onto the foster parent association for our city. Going through the forms and looking at the information actually made me tear up. I feel SO strongly called to do this. A local long-term mission, in our home. I hope that it happens one day, we will have to wait and see what is in store. :)

Exciting News?

Lately I've been amazed yet again of how many of my friends have had exciting news to share. Engagements, having babies, announcing their expecting a baby, weddings... I could go on and on. At first I was kinda bummed. No news here. But then I realized that that's okay. In fact, that's actually wonderful. It's nice to have things "as is" for awhile. I love where we are at. I'm blessed with an adoring husband whose love amazes me daily. We are blessed to live in a beautiful, comfortable home. I have been blessed with amazing family and friends. And I am almost done with school.

Soon it will be busy enough with all sorts of change: graduation, internships, and then finding a job. And somewhere down the road we'll have exciting news. But for now... I'm just enjoying not having any news, and enjoying the moment. :)

wedding dress

So I tried on my wedding dress today as I was assembling outfits for an upcoming photo shoot I'm having done. Well, I TRIED to try on my dress. Got the zipper half way up at least. Unfortunately, size 2 was several dress sizes ago. *sigh* Not who I once was. It's sad. Definitely motivation to keep active and continue eating carefully. :'(

Counting Calories

This evening while discussing food/exercise/calories, this conversation played out:

Bob: "I'd rather have fun in life than counting every calorie."

Kari: "I know, but I obviously don't count every calorie."

Bob: "(Chuckles)"

Thanks.... haha!

Happy new year!

I should have written this as my first post of the year. Guess it wasn't the first thing on my mind. I believe 2011 is going to be an amazing year! I am so excited about finishing my education this next year and beginning my practice as an occupational therapist.

These next two quarters will be quite intense: finishing up our research project and write-up, presenting our project at EWU's symposium, peds and geriatric fieldworks, and our final oral exam. Not to mention graduation in June! :) Then I will begin my first level 2 fieldwork at a local skilled nursing facility for my summer quarter. In the fall I will be working in the Cheney school district, and in December I will complete my requirements for my MOT! :) That means that a year from now, I will hopefully have a job lined up, and I'll likely be frantically studying for my state boards.

This coming year will be an exciting one- can't wait to see what all is in store. Anyone else have exciting plans lined up for this coming year??

New attitude

While reviewing my recent posts, I realized that I've used this blog more as a venting space than an area to share stories and thoughts with friends and family. And so, my goal is to keep it more upbeat and light-hearted. It will go along with one of my personal goals of being more optimistic. :)

Today I am working on finishing up projects before flying home tomorrow. It's amazing how fast time goes when you're on vacation sometimes. I thought I had all the time in the world to finish things, and now I have less than a day to get ready for Christmas!

I am ecstatic about being home with the family- first time we've all been home at the same time in a year. I will also be going to a wedding of a childhood friend this next week, as well as catching up with many Portland friends!

I don't want to learn things on facebook anymore. Not small day-to-day things, those are fine. But big, life events of "friends". Like finding out someone's engaged/expecting/in a relationship/married. Maybe the problem is that facebook causes us to be TOO connected. What if we learned things through the good old-fashioned grape vine? What if we knew things about people because we actually saw them and talked with them on a semi-regular basis. I'm tired of knowing people superficially and losing out on close friendships that once were. Is it better to just not hear about things? I don't know. Sometimes I think "hearing" things online hurts just a bit more.

Cold, alone, worried, acused, scared and in pain

I feel cold, alone, and worried. Cold because it's freezing outside. Alone because I haven't been able to talk with my husband all day, and worried because of all the snow and traveling in it.

Bob was still at home when I left for school this morning. Roads were awful getting down our hill. Didn't hear from Bob at lunch, hoping at least he got to work safely. He was supposed to stay for a staff meeting beginning at 7 (they typically last 2+ hours), but was thinking of going to his parents for awhile between work and the meeting. Still haven't heard anything and cell is now dead, which for some reason also makes it so I can't get through on his office line. No response on e-mail either. Argh! Just hope everything's okay.

I feel frustrated and accused. I'm frustrated because no matter what we do for Storm, it doesn't work. Today I got home and the neighbor came over and told me that she had been out all day and that the neighbors 3 houses down were keeping her. I feel accused because of statements from neighbors such as, "Is she going to be inside tonight, you know it's really too cold for her to be outside," or "You know she's been out all day. We couldn't call because she doesn't have her collar" and, "I don't know what kind of collar doesn't break. OUR dog has free reign of our yard." WELL MINE WOULD TOO IF THE CRAZY THING DIDN'T JUMP IT! And she didn't have her collar because SHE BROKE IT! And of course I'm not going to leave her outside in the blizzard and single digit temperatures. Pretty sure these are the neighbors that reported us to animal control.

I feel accused. Like I'm a negligent and abusive pet owner. We do our best for her. Yes- we leave her outside during the day. But she has shelter, food and water. More than we can say for lots of people out there right now. But nobody cares about that, let's make sure our animals are taken care of. Stupid. Yes I care about our animal. But she's that- an animal.

I'm also extremely frustrated. At school we have to get in 10 hours for a "community experience". Some classmates were assigned to an adaptive sports program, others to a women's shelter, and I was assigned to the local veteran's home. The other two programs had variable times you could go get your hours. But mine doesn't. Tuesday from 2-4pm. Written in stone. I don't know why. I just go and visit with my client in his room. I could do that any time. But our professors aren't moving. Most of my classmates are now on Thanksgiving break. But not me. So about the time the UCA bus (driven by my husband) is passing through the Tri-cities, I'll be beginning my 2 hour stretch of my community experience, spending time with a client who would rather not spend his time with me. I'll come home to an empty cold house, and start out the next morning to drive through the dicey roads on my own. Oh wait, not on my own. Storm will be there. Can't leave her home and let the neighbors watch her for us. We learned last time what happens when we do that.

Oh- and I went to the chiroporactor today, got some work done, and my shoulder hurts like the blazes. And he mentioned two separate surgeries, not for the first time.

Hope the rest of you are feeling more optimistic right now. I am feeling quite down.

Hello out there......

So just a question: how many people actually read this? Looking at other friends' blogs, I realize that mine is quite stagnant of comments and has only a few "followers". So- anybody out there?? Perhaps I should re-think this whole blog business....

A Sight for Sore... Backs?

I know most of you have probably heard already, but yes- we're getting a hot tub. Hurray! I am ecstatic! Very excited to try it out. Bob has (apparently) been planning on getting one for us for some time, but this last week he let me in on a secret- he was going to one for me for Christmas! Only "problem" is that the ground will be frozen by then, and it would be really hard to install. So... we started looking. And this is what we found.

We can't have it delivered until Nov. 7, but in the mean time, Bob has a new project of creating the pad for it to rest on and implementing the electricity and plumbing needed.

So if any of you are nearby- feel free to come visit. I feel completely spoiled to have such a generous gift, and want to share it! :)

P.S.- to those Kyles reading this, who happened to see pics if they followed the link- is this the same as Jerry and Patti's? It looks pretty close...

"Daddy, don't hit me!!"

Tonight at the video store, I witnessed the most tragic scene. A family of four wandered around the store, the parents discussing video options. Two little kids, a boy and a girl, solemnly followed behind. The boy had a knit cap on, as well as his hoodie. Strangely, the dad was holding the hoodie up over the boy's forehead. Suspicious, I watched the family. Something didn't seem right. As the parents became more engaged in their conversation, the little boy ran off. When he came back, his hoodie slipped back enough for me to see two large bruises on the side of his face. Holding back tears, I struggled to maintain my composure. While I "browsed", I tried to figure out what to do. Picking up "She's the Man", and pretending to read the back, I heard the boy say, "Daddy, don't hit me!" and then he was hushed. My suspicions confirmed, I thought of what I might do. I couldn't stand by and do nothing.

Bob soon joined me and I told him what I'd seen and heard. As we walked around, we heard the boy's plea again. There was no hitting, but it was obvious that it was a common occurrence. We checked out, and then decided to wait in our car to see which car the family left in. I hoped that I could catch the license plate number. After waiting for twenty minutes, we saw the family leave the store. As they walked through the parking lot, we soon realized that they didn't have a car there. We followed them for a few blocks in our car, then realized that we couldn't anymore because they were headed away from the busy shopping area and they would see that they were being followed.

I still wish I could have done something more for those kids. I didn't know what I could have done. I wish I'd had something I could have given the woman... something that could have encouraged her or given her some resources. What I really wanted to do was to take that little boy home with us. This reignited my desire to one day be a foster parent to kids who need a safe place to be between their unhappy homes and their future adopted home situation. I feel such a strong pull to work with these kids. Perhaps after I've finished school and before we have our family, we'll have the opportunity to take in a child and provide a safe loving home for them. We'll have to see. :)

When it Rains it Pours

First off- I've gotta say this is an amazingly beautiful brisk fall morning. A nice break from the grey skies we've had lately. Don't get me wrong- I love rainy grey weather, but it's definitely nice to see the sun shine through as well.

Lately I have been SO stressed. We've been preparing for the last month now for a practicum that is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I am not as prepared as I would like to be, but fortunately I have done quite a bit of prep work leading up to it. Today I just need to put all the pieces together for the scenarios.

I also am stressed out about something that happened in the last week. In the process, I believe I hurt a friend's feelings. Though I have apologized, I'm still not convinced things are better, and I feel bad about it. I need to think before I speak.

I am also dealing with continued chronic pain. After 2 weeks of tingling/burning/numb sensations in my right leg and arm, I went to the chiropractor today. After a number of assessments, he is quite sure that I have a slipped disc. Oh joy. As if my back doesn't have enough going on. So he said that if I guard it, the likelyhood of it healing on its own is fairly high. However, if I am not careful, surgery could be in my future.

Boo... I am too young for this. Only 23. I have so many active things in my future. He is writing a letter today to the student disability support services of EWU. This will enable my professors to work with my fieldwork sites so that they will be required to accommodate for a lifting restriction (no more than 20 lbs). This leads me to question what area of OT I can realistically go into that won't require this lifting. It's discouraging. Areas that I am interested in may not be reasonable.

What about other areas of life? I want to take my dog on a walk- but that risks re-injuring my still healing impinged rotator cuff, or twisting my back to injure my disc. What about motherhood? Even though that's quite a ways down the road, I do think about it. Pretty sure that requires lifting more than 20 lbs. What about the pregnancy itself? That's some major strain on the back.

Well I should be getting on with my day. Though I feel like I've hit a wall, the world still keeps moving and I need to catch up. Back to studying for the practicum. Thanks for listening, friends. :)

Frenzied Thoughts of a Busy Student

Let me start by just saying: I was sorely disappointed this evening to receive a soy latte after ordering a pumpkin-spice tea latte. They're very different. And, unfortunately, this means that I will likely be up late tonight. Very late. But- on the flip side- this does mean more time to study for the ominous practicum that is happening a week from tomorrow- yikes!

Lately I've been thinking more about my career as an OT. It isn't that far away! A year from this December I will be DONE! It's crazy to think how close that is- I don't feel prepared, but I am confident that I will be by then.

Today I received confirmation that I will have my level 1 fieldwork at the Portland VA this fall. I am so excited! And my fieldwork educator is allowing me to choose from which area I want experience in: inpatient/SNF or outpatient/polytrauma/hands. I don't know what to choose! SNF and hands are both areas I am interested in.

This has led me to wonder what area of OT I will eventually end up working in. I've always thought it would be children (either a peds clinic or school-based OT), but I am also drawn to the elderly. So maybe home health or SNF (skilled nursing facility)? But becoming a certified hand therapist would likely save my back from unnecessary lifting. And it pays well. But that would require working full time for 5 years to become eligible to sit for boards. What about our family? Can't put that off forever. ;)

Thankfully these fieldwork experiences will provide some insight and will hopefully aid in coming to a decision. Until then, I'll just have to be a sponge and take in all the info that is thrown my way. Which reminds me... I should be memorizing my innervations. :)

Any thoughts from my faithful readers? Is one area easier to picture me in than others?

Nerves

Hello Friends! I apologize for often complaining about pain. I know I'm not the only one that has it, so instead of it being the only thing I talk about all day, I thought I'd get it out here and then move on. :) Sound like a plan??

In the last couple weeks I've had weird tingly sensations in my legs. Not constant or anything, but definitely noticeable. Then on Tuesday I spoke about to my chiropractor about it and he was quite concerned, as any nerve-related pain past the knee or elbow may indicate a disc problem. Yucky. And since then it's gotten worse, actually. Both my right arm and leg have been alternating between tingly, burning, and numb feeling. All day, all night. It's strange. It's not awful pain, but the constant feeling wears me down and makes me tired. And honestly- I'm a little scared. It may be a disc, which isn't good news necessarily, but there's so many other conditions I've learned about in class whose symptoms are similar.

I don't know what to do. Should probably call the chiropractor and see if he wants me to come in for an assessment. But I don't want to be referred to a neurologist or anything again. Been there. Years ago. And it wasn't fun.

So- I guess unless something changes drastically I'll just keep doing what I've been doing. Hopefully I won't have any more dreams of snakebites and I'll get used to my heavy-feeling, tingly limbs.

Sick :(

I wish I could write as eloquently as some of my fellow bloggers (take Laura or Andrea for instance!). Reading some of their posts, it seems that they have spent hours piecing together personal anecdotes and thoughts until they have woven the perfect blog to entertain and inform their readers. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have that gift. Perhaps if I wrote more often that would change. Maybe if I cared more. I'm not sure. Either way, I'm not a gifted writer. I just tell it like it is.

This week I have been sick. Apparently I picked up the cold Bob had last week. I rarely get sick when he does- I generally have a stronger immune system than he does. But this time I got it. Worse, I think, than he did.

Following a busy weekend campout with UCA's sophomore class (Bob's one of their class sponsors), I drove up with the school to MiVoden for their fall picnic. We spent a wonderful day with Michael, Tonia, and Eleanor, enjoying time with great friends. We even got to take a boat out for an hour or so. It was great. :)

By the time we got home, I realized I was coming down with something. When I woke up on Tuesday, my voice was deep and ragged - my "sexy, manly voice" as some have called it. ;) Since then I've gotten used to the round the clock cold meds, hot teas, airborne, and TONS of water. I SO want to be over this!

This morning I coughed so hard that I had a hard time catching my breath. And I had the strangest sensation of what it may feel like to drown, thanks to the lovely junk in my lungs. I just hope that I can get over this before it settles in my chest and I develop pneumonia. I had it once when I was younger and it was awful.

I have so many things I'd rather be doing right now than being sick. I'd planned on spending this week reviewing anatomy, MMT, and goniometry before our practicums shortly after school begins. Instead I'm wasting time watching TV shows, movies, and reading because my brain hurts too much to think much, and I don't have the energy to get things done around the house. It stinks!

Stupid Internet!!!

Argh. Today was supposed to be our date night at The Old Spaghetti Factory, to celebrate Bob's birthday. We've been looking forward to it for a long time. We haven't seen much of each other the last couple of weeks. My work, though it's not that many hours, keeps me really busy, but Bob's putting in probably 60 hours a week these days. Sometimes it feels like we're roommates. :( We both live here, but don't get to have family time. Meals are the only time we get to talk. And tonight was supposed to be different. But instead of eating right now, he's up on Tower Mountain trying with a group of guys trying to get the internet to work, and I'm all dressed up and waiting, gifts are on the table. Makes me feel a bit blue....

Thanks for "listening". Had to get it out somewhere...

I hate it how stupid past decisions still influence my life today. Yes, I did learn from them, but they have a way of sneaking into my mind and changing the way I do things. It angers me.

On a more positive note, I have had such a great time recently looking at sewing and quilting projects. I have collected an assortment of fabrics that complement each other. Now all I need is a project and a bit of guidance. I want to make quilted wall hangings. That would be fun, and it would also help me to cover some of the still bare walls of our house. Yesterday at Jo-Ann's I found a guide to a project for a cute apron. I think it'll make a good first project, as it is primarily straight lines and bigger pieces of fabric. If I get to it, I'll be sure to post a picture or two. :)

On Thursday night, Bob and I had our pictures taken by Sarah at Manito. I can't wait to see how they turned out! I am excited. From there, we went to dinner at The Olive Garden and splurged, ordering drinks and dessert this time (we do this about once a year). I should probably clarify that when I say drinks I mean lemonade and iced tea. :)

Well, it's a wonderfully rainy Sabbath morning. Bob's in the shower and I am making a breakfast of hashbrowns, morningstar sausage patties, and scrambled egg-beaters. I better go make sure it's all going well. :)

So since my wedding 2 years ago, I have gained nearly 20 lbs and have gone from a size 4 to a 8-10. Talk about depressing! No excuse. I've decided to do something about it.

On Wednesday I joined the local gym. I have since enjoyed yoga and Zumba class, as well as my own personal workouts. My goal is to lose at least 10 lbs by the end of the summer. Who knows if it'll happen or not, but we'll see. All I can do is my best

Today I went to Ross and found a few workout outfits that I feel good in. Not baggy, but not second skin either ('cause nobody wants to see that!). Definitely will fit a smaller version of me. :) And I've made a pact with myself- these are the last clothes that I will buy until I can fit into smaller clothes. No use buying more clothes that will (hopefully) be too big soon. Now when I go to the closet and get depressed because something doesn't fit, instead of going to get new clothes, it's off to the gym!

I wrote this on my public blog in hopes that it'll hold me accountable. Sorry if it's TMI!